Brazil. Argentina. Secretos (Secrets).

A week ago I woke up Sao Paulo, Brazil after having slept for a solid 12 hours.  I hadn’t slept that well in two months.  I knew that the AirBNB Tony and I were staying in was not the most comfortable; I joked that my pillow felt like a sack of small bowling balls.  But I had no idea how poorly I had been sleeping.

We arrived late on a Saturday night in Sao Paulo.  Tony would be attending a conference for his job later in the week so we decided to come for a few extra days and experience the city.  The weather was cold and rainy on Sunday morning, so when I woke up after an incredible night of sleep, sitting in bed drinking my coffee, I thought, “I want to pause time right now.  I want this moment to last forever.”  I took it all in.  Being rested, being safe, having a full stomach, Tony sitting in the room with me peacefully.  There was nothing more I wanted in that moment, and so I soaked it all in, reminding myself it would last for a brief moment of time, and to enjoy it while it was there.

I took a long nap later that afternoon as it poured down rain, and made a mental note to myself that sleep and rest are so important.  I was a different person – my Spanish classes that week suddenly felt easier, I was more fun to be around, and my body started to look and feel better.  Oh, and the best part…I was able to get into and out of the bathroom without having to use the bidet and the toilet as stools and stepping stones to the shower.  The bathroom door closed, the shower allowed me to bath better than I have in weeks, and I found myself taking two showers a day, making up for the many times I skipped a shower in the last AirBNB because it was simply too difficult to do.  I was enjoying my little retreat in Sao Paulo, and nearby the hotel were several restaurants that Tony and I would frequent in the evenings.

I had been hitting my Spanish classes pretty aggressively in the months prior to Sao Paulo and I felt like I was falling behind, which I now know is likely due to lack of sleep, but I had decided to ask for a week of content review instead of learning new material.  I requested to not excel to the next level and this was a tough pill for me to swallow.  I’ve always exceled academically, and so feeling myself struggle was a new feeling.  I blamed it on my age, which is probably part of the challenge, but really, I was just having a hard time.  After I got some sleep, I stopped beating myself up and decided I didn’t need to give it justification.  I was struggling and needed to slow down for a week.  End of story.  And wow, did it feel nice to really be able to absorb and process everything I had learned so far.

Later in the week, we hired a driver to take us around the city.  We saw streets lined with graffiti (beco do batman) and visited a huge park in the middle of the city.  We rode in elevators to the top of two buildings for views of the city and drove through the Japanese neighborhood.  Did you know that the largest population, outside of Japan, is in Sao Paulo, Brazil?

It was super sunny and warm the latter part of the week, and a much needed reprise from the winter in Argentina.  We found a rooftop for dinner and the next day we had lunch with some of Tony’s friends.  That evening, we dined with yet another couple of his friends.  My heart was so full of culture, sunshine, and rest.  Sao Paulo was exactly what I needed and it will forever be the reminder to me that self-care cannot be forgotten.  Who would have known that the largest city in the southern hemisphere would be the reminder that rest cannot be taken for granted?

A few weeks ago, back in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I came out of our bedroom mid-afternoon and told Tony, troubled, “I think my professor Googled me.”

“What do you mean?  Of course they would.  Why do you care?”

I had just finished my virtual session with the same professor I’ve been speaking to everyday for six weeks.  During these sessions, we only saw each other from the shoulders up on the other side of a computer screen.  I proceed to explain to Tony that we got onto a topic about travel and Guinness World Records, of which I pretended to know nothing about.  Of course I don’t know all of the words she was saying, but it sounded like she knew I had received a record.  Tony could not understand that I didn’t want to talk about this with my online professors.  He kept telling me that they were my friends and they ‘deserved’ to know this about me.

I left the kitchen of our AirBNB a bit disturbed by his comments.  He was right.  Why did I not want to share this part of my life with my professors?  It took me a few hours of pondering before it hit me.  If I told them about my world record, then I would have to share with them that I have a disability, because ultimately, it was 50% of what got me the record, and with those words, and my ‘disability,’ or rather my perceived ‘fault,’ they might think of me differently.  For this one aspect of my life, I was just Renee.  I was a blond American middle-aged woman trying to learn Spanish.  There was nothing more to my story.  And I relished in that.  I was, for all intents, purposes, and everything wrong with the labels we give people…normal.

I have spent the past year and some extra months working to understand who I am, trying to be me, trying to be authentic, trying to create acceptance, and here I was, on one side of a computer screen trying to be someone that I wasn’t, trying to remove the label that will inevitably follow me around for life.  So, I guess growth is never-ending.  Acceptance is not a book with a final chapter.  Authenticity is an ongoing, constantly changing target.  And it turns out I still have work to do.  I’ve been pondering this for a little over a week now.  What other things am I hiding when I’m able to?  What are the things about me that I choose to hide that are a deeper part of me?  And then, when I start to cross paths with other people in my life – friends, family, and strangers – what things are they hiding?  And do they really need to?  Do I really need to?  What if we all just put everything out there?  What would that feel like?  And with all of these questions, the anxiety and fear overtake my emotions, and I know I still have some self-discovery and self-acceptance ahead of me.

So Victoria, my Spanish teacher…if you are reading this, and you did in fact Google me, I apologize now for not sharing my big secret.  But this is me, flaws and all.